Your Betrayal
by Matt-ForeverGamer
Summary: There are times when we let fear and obsession get the best of us, and in those times we can do things we may regret for the rest of our lives, that's one lesson Mello had learned and would never be able to forget.
1. Prologue

A limit. Everything has one, and when someone tries to break those limits, be it a speed limit or personal boundary, bad things happen. People, like cars, crash when limits are crossed it's an unspoken factor of life but why, why we keep trying to do just that is unknown even to ourselves. We are mesmerized by our own end, tempted by that possibly fatal outcome and it causes us to push ourselves further than we could ever take and that in itself is the reason for our demise.

Perfection, that seems to be the initial drive to push one's self so far, but it always seems to grow to more of an obsession. It can get to a point where someone will even be against themselves simply to reach this unattainable goal. They are always so blinded they don't even see that in the process of doing this they block everyone out even those who want to help, everyone is competition to them till proved unworthy of being so. It is a vicious cycle of trusting no one, not evens yourself, of fighting yourself to a point where you feel you must fight others or the other way around. To the people on the outside it can be the most painful thing to know someone like this and yet in one's infatuation to try to get inside, to try and push themselves past their limits to keep up with this person it is also something very riveting.

That's why people put up with those unique and truly dangerous beings; it's why Matt puts up with Mello. The reason he sticks around through each time his temper flairs, and each time he beats up people to hide the fact that he does the same to himself. He knows Mello will be the death of him, will tear him from the inside out and yet, those small moments when he shows himself and when his limits have been reached and he crashes just to get back up a bit later because of his own stubborn strength, that is what makes it all worth it.

"Hey! Matt! Are you listening to me?" Matt started hearing the sound of his friend's voice his eyes going wide slightly. He hadn't realized he'd been so lost in his thoughts until he heard Mello's voice screaming at him, his face right in front of his own the scowl on those lips unmistakable.

"Y-yeah…" Mello stood straight again putting his hands on his lips and he pursed them in annoyance.

"Oh really, then what did I just say?" Matt blinked trying to rack his brain for the answer to that question but when he couldn't find one he just gave a sheepish smile that only managed to aggravate the boy further and so he dropped it staring at him warily not sure what was coming. Mello was one to be unpredictable at times like this when he'd probably been ranting for quite some time now. The blonde was bipolar, Matt would swear on it.

"I was saying," Mello put an annoyed emphasis on 'saying' to make Matt very much aware that he thought it rude that he hadn't been listening to him. "That fucking bastard Near is going to die! I swear he's cheating! There is no way he can get better grades then me without doing anything! I swear, one day I'm going to expose that twit for what he is!" Matt knew that the albino probably wasn't and was simply in more control than the blonde himself was making him more focused but he also knew better than to ever say anything about it, he had no intention of dying at the age of 12 in some orphanage where no one would even care, much less remember him.

It's that fight for perfection…he thought, it makes them uncaring about almost everything except their rankings. Matt sighed, this place sure was screwed up, there was a reason he didn't care about what number he was, he didn't have a wish to lose himself in competition; he just wasn't that type of guy. The only reason he kept third was because if he didn't then he wasn't allowed to smoke and that was one thing he would avoid at all costs.

"Matt! You're not listening again I can tell!" Matt looked Mello in the eyes and took a deep breath sighing to himself. It took a lot of work and patience to put up with his roommate and yet, in some weird possibly masochistic way, he honestly enjoyed it. Having the blonde as a friend was rewarding even if most people thought it suicidal. He stood up giving Mello a hug feeling the boy tense as he did so.

"M-Matt…" Mello stuttered, blue eyes as wide as saucers as he was caught completely off guard. Matt smiled a bit burying his head in Mello's hair his smile growing as Mello slowly, cautiously, hugged him back although his grip wasn't nearly as tight. The redhead closed his eyes in contentment for a moment.

Yes, being his friend certainly was dangerous he'd never deny it, but it was also the best decision he'd ever made.


	2. Chapter 1

"Hey Matt?" Matt turned as he heard Mello's voice next to him on the bed and tilted his head a bit at him after pausing his game. The blonde sounded…distracted? Like he was thinking too much but the redhead could only guess what was going on inside his friends head. He saw those blue eyes watching him with a sort of deep sadness that only he was allowed to see and it struck a chord in his heart causing it to twist painfully in his chest. Had something happened…? He turned off the game sitting on his knees facing Mello the other boy mere inches from him and he could almost sense his unease.

"What is it Mels? Are you ok?" Mello nodded a bit taking his time to open a chocolate bar watching it before absent-mindedly sucking on it and Matt was now terribly confused. Mello put all of his focus on the bar in his hand his mind caught in thought and he was almost scared to ask his question out loud, as if…as if that would make his fears more real than they were when they were just in his head.

"Will I ever beat him?" He looked up at Matt then, hard icy blue eyes bearing into green ones demanding an honest answer. Matt frowned, of course that's what this was about…it was never anything else, the blonde was obsessed with his ranking and with beating Near. There were times where Matt had to wonder if he were too focused on beating the albino, that becoming all he thought about and this proved him right. Sometimes he wished that at least once his friend would be worried about something else, something he could actually help him with but no…that was never the case, and probably never would be if things kept going as they were.

"I don't know Mello, I think you will." I hope you will…he thought hoping that if Mello actually achieved his goal that he might become something to the person that meant the most to him besides just someone who was always there.

Mello nodded in response his eyes lighting up and he smirked as if Matt's words had fueled him and he grabbed his book saying a quick thanks before putting all his focus onto his studying. Matt leaned back looking up at the ceiling a moment before turning his game back on only to figure out he no longer had the will to play it. He stood up grabbing his cigarettes and walking to the window opening it and sitting on the chair next to it lighting the cancer stick relaxing when he felt the nicotine set into his system.

He couldn't even remember the first time he'd ever smoked, cigarettes or otherwise, his mother having practically shoved them down his throat in an attempt to keep him too drugged up to cause more problems for her. He could still hear her screams if he let himself think about it too much, those constant accusations that he was the reason for all of her problems and that she should have aborted him when she had the chance. As if he'd even known what that meant when she'd told him…

Matt shook his head trying to force those memories away, they were nothing to him now except that, or he figured if he told himself that enough they would be. What you believe will control you rather it's true or not...that had to be true for this too right? He frowned at himself putting out his cigarette and looking over at Mello who hadn't moved from his studying spot, most likely didn't even noticed he'd moved. Not that he has a reason to notice you; his mind supplied only further increasing his worries about being abandoned by yet another person. He had to stop this. He lit another cigarette taking a long drag of it to force his mind away, he didn't want to listen to those things, he didn't want them! He watched Mello as he worked and thought surely that wasn't true, no, it couldn't be. Mello cared for him, at least more than he did the other kids and that counted for something…right?

"Matt, get your ass over here already. I'm ready for bed." Matt jumped a bit having zoned out and put the now completely burned out fag into the ash tray not having even realized how late it'd gotten. He nodded slowly looking at the time and yawning realizing just how tired he was walking over to Mello's bed crawling into it and curling up with his friend.

Matt knew that to other people them sleeping together was odd but he couldn't imagine not sleeping in the same bed as Mello, it had just been something they'd done since he'd gotten here and if he thought about it he wasn't sure he'd be able to sleep any other way. He was always comforted knowing someone was there with him… He closed his eyes relaxed by the sound of Mello's breathing in his ear and slowly drifted off his mind hoping for a dreamless sleep to avoid the horrid lingering memories of his mother.

"Matt, you are the laziest bastard I have ever met!" Mello yelled hitting his friend over the head so that he would let go of him squirming in his arms before glaring at him. "Get up would ya!" Matt gave a small whine of complaint before sitting up putting a hand through his hair as if that would make the bedhead go down. He yawned big his eyes closing as he did and he gave Mello a half asleep smile afterwards knowing he'd just be hit again if he laid back down, a series of tests having proven this theory.

"But you love me!" He said to him happily still smiling at him like an idiot and he was happy to report that Mello sighed returned the sentiment with a 'yeah, whatever'. It was so far the closes Matt had gotten to the blonde actually admitting he cared, he felt very accomplished to say the least.

The gamer stood from his comfortable perch on the bed after several minutes of Mello nagging at him and went to grab his clothes and take a shower only to come out finding the little blonde tornado running around the room freaking out about not being able to find something or another just as he did every test day. He laughed at him a half-hearted glare being sent his way and he smiled at him picking up the chocolate bar on the bedside table and throwing it at him thankful for his friend's fast reflexes. He swore sometimes that guy was part cat…he was quick, prissy, and tended to do whatever he wanted despite what everyone asked of him.

"How'd you find it so quickly?" Mello stalked over to him accusations in his eyes and Matt put his hands up in a defensive pose laughing at him a bit. They went through this more times than he could count and while he knew the blonde honestly was slightly irked that he'd been able to find it when he couldn't he also knew Mello wasn't pissed enough to do anything but stand in front of him with his hands on his hips. Much like he was doing now.

"It was just right there?" He pointed at the spot on the nightstand where he'd just grabbed the chocolate from and Mello looked at it then frowned snapping a bite off of the bar to avoid having to say anything refusing to admit that he'd been stupid enough not to look there. He made a slight 'humph' then turned and stalked across the room, throwing his book bag over his shoulder and out the door he went with the redhead right on his tail an amused smile on his face.

Although Matt wished he could say the rest of the day was as amusing and eventful as his morning had been, it sadly went as every other testing day. He walked into the testing room, spent the first 30 minutes actually taking the test, then several hours wanting to bang his head against the desk in boredom because the teachers had learned to check him for electronics before-hand.

He groaned in annoyance putting his head down the silence driving him insane as well as Mello telling him to shh every time he made an impatient sound, which happened to be every few seconds. It's like a kid on a road trip except instead of 'are we there yet' it's 'is it over yet?' and a monthly occurrence of it at that.

Matt's head snapped up and he cheered loudly as they were dismissed for lunch no one even bothering to give him a weird look anymore and it seemed even Mello had given up shooting him glares. He followed the blonde out of the classroom and to the cafeteria a certain hop in his step as he smiled stupidly, simply happy to be out of that room. He sat down with a full tray digging in while his friend sat across from him eating his usual healthful meal of, insert gasp here, chocolate!

"You know Matt; if you'd stop smiling like that all the time someone might actually take you seriously." Matt looked up at Mello seeing the amused smile on his face as he talked around his chocolate bar snapping a piece of it off and sucking on it the part that hung out of his mouth bobbing slightly. Matt's smile only widened and he stuck his tongue out at him.

"You know Mello; if you learned to be like me, you'd have a lot more fun in your life! Only you prefer to waste your life on books and chocolate. Oh woe is me; you won't even ever play a game with me! Not ever even one measly level." He gave a dramatic sniffle and bust out laughing at the look on Mello's face that spoke exactly what the blonde was thinking. Yeah, he knew he was stupid, but someone here had to bring life to this place!

Looking around his point was proven as he stared at the drained faces of kids who were too tired to even eat, all color void from them and not one seemed to have any energy to even bother smiling. In fact, it was also eerily quiet; the redhead being the only one talking in the entire place and it was probably because he was the only one who didn't spend hours upon hours reading over the same material for weeks on end. Sure they got a break here, a week just after tests, but during that time the kids here slept, partied for maybe a day and acted like kids should, then just went right back to their normal boring routine.

"So Mello, how do you think you did on your tests?" The sneer that was placed on Mello's lips at that moment could probably kill an army, too bad it seemed the person who'd just spoken was immune to it. Matt looked up at the albino as Mello turned around to give him an annoyed look before a smirk was placed perfectly on his lips.

"Better than you, twit." He replied easily his hand coming up to flip his hair behind his shoulder then turning around again the chocolate's snap resounding around the silent cafeteria that had now turned toward them to watch the consistent feud between Whammy's top 2.

Matt simply sat by and watched knowing it was a much safer thing to do than try to speak up, because if he did then somehow Mello managed to turn it on him later…then again he did that anyways by saying he should have sided with him. There just was no winning where the blonde was concerned.

"We shall see." Was all Near said in reply before walking to his empty table and pulling out a robot playing with it as he always did. Matt wondered at times if the white-haired boy did it just simply because, or if there was more to it than that. Oh well, he thought, I'll never know and it's not worth a bitch fit from Mello to find out.

"That fucking Near! I'll beat him you just watch!" Matt watched him stand and gave his food a longing look before standing and following him out his stomach growling in protest but he didn't have much of a choice. He'd just have to go back and steal food from the kitchen later after Mello was done ranting.

He sat on his bed pulling out his PSP and nodding his head giving small responses every once in while during the series of complaints that seemed to last hours before Mello finally seemed to have worn even himself out, sitting down on the bed and pulling his knees to his chest.

"I'll come in second again won't I Matt…?" His voice sounded resigned and although one would think that Mello was about to give up on his wish to be first, Matt had been through this too many times to think that the truth. He would go into his sad mode, see the results and trash every object in their room that he could get his hands on, calm down again, go back into sad mode, get over it during the week long break, only to get right back up on his feet when school started up again and do this same process all over. This was Matt's life, he revolved his entire being as well as when he did what, around this and for the most part it never changed. Mello was bipolar, this was true, but after being with him as long as Matt had he had learned what sparked which emotions and how long it would take before he calmed down again.

He looked at Mello pressing pause on his game and giving him a smile. He knew that the question Mello had just asked didn't need an answer, he could tell him yes and have the blonde close to tears with his defeat, he could tell him no and deal with him being even angrier the next day when he saw the results then have him close to tears after he calmed down from that, or he could do as he did now and say nothing. The result of this was simple; Mello frowned at him, gave a small sigh then returned the smile as best he could.

"I'll beat him one day! You just wait!" Matt laughed at his sudden burst of determination that came out of his friend his own smile growing as he got punched playfully in the shoulder.

"Come on Matt, I'll play a game with you just so you can't complain I never do again." Matt cheered jumping up off the bed and across the room turning on his gaming system and looking at all of his games trying to figure out which to put in that Mello would have the most fun with.

"Only one level though!" Mello cried seeing Matt bound across the room and knowing he'd probably just sold the rest of his day to the gamer on accident.

"Yeah, sure Mello!" Matt responded popping in the game and coming back to the bed handing him a controller his mind easily tossing away Mello's comment. He knew the blonde, he knew he'd get started, Matt would beat him then he'd be stuck playing the game with him because his own pride wouldn't let him stop until he won. He smiled at the blonde as he concentrated his own fingers slowing down slightly to give him the advantage and as he looked back toward the game, Mello's shouts of satisfaction as he beat him resounding through the small room, he could say that although Mello gave him a run for his money, he was honestly happy. He almost laughed, happiness, who would have thought the only place he'd find that would be with the person that seemed to do nothing but give everyone around him misery. It was definitely irony at its best.


	3. Chapter 2

Matt awoke slowly shivering from a cold that he wasn't used to and he frowned when he looked around and there was no one else in the bed with him, or in the room for that matter. He blinked feeling confused and still slightly foggy from sleep his hands going up to rub his eyes and he yawned as he spoke.

"M-Mells? Are you over there?" He lowered his hands and stood from the bed when he didn't get a response going over to the other bed although Mello usually slept with him, and was there when he'd gone to sleep. He bit his lip in worry as he searched the room to no prevail heading out of the room and going down the long hallway not knowing where his blonde would have run off to so late at night.

"Mello?" He called as softly as he could the walls echoing his voice around him and he winced at how loud it was against the unnerving silence around him. He could almost hear kids ruffling in their beds waking up although that was probably just his own paranoid imagination.

He continued on his search stopping at the end of the hallway as he heard a noise coming from one of the empty rooms and he bit his lip not able to clearly hear it, until he got up close that is. He stopped cold hearing distinct moans coming from the other side of the door and he blushed as he went to knock on the door softly and it opened the door not being fully closed. He could feel his heartbeat speed up and his breath hitched and he was starting to feel lightheaded as he attempted to breath getting nowhere not seeing anything but the blonde in front of him with his hand down his pants and those noises just kept coming Mello not even seeming to realize he was there. He backed away about to shut the door again feeling as if he had invaded on his privacy but he never got the chance to fully close it his lack of oxygen finally getting to him and he blacked out.

The redhead jumped as he woke up yet again, thankfully with the sun out this time, looking around immediately to see he was still in his bed the blonde lying beside him looking at him with an odd sort of look. He blinked at him feeling terribly confused his memories trying hard to put themselves together but it all seemed so fuzzy he wondered if he had even seen it at all.

"Matt, you ok?" He looked at Mello as he spoke and nodded gnawing at his lip slightly and giving a small sigh.

"Mello, you weren't…you know doing anything earlier were you?" He noted that Mello went from looking slightly alarmed to confusion and he couldn't tell if he were faking it or not but he didn't see why he would. It wasn't as if he'd have any reason to hide something from him and he couldn't remember very many times when he'd seen his friend embarrassed about anything.

"No Matt!" Mello stated simply a frown on his face. "Why would I? You were probably just dreaming about someone doing that shit and thought it was me." Matt looked at him and he held back the fact that dream or not he knew it was Mello, he'd seen his face clearly…in fact he'd seen everything on him clearly. The thought made him blush so he turned to hide his face as thoughts began to creep up on him.

If he was dreaming of Mello doing that…did that mean he wanted to see him like that? He frowned and the thought confused him. Did he want Mello as more than a friend; is that what the dream meant? He looked at the blonde who had been his everything for years and he supposed it could just be his codependency taking its toll and causing him to lean on him for literally everything, but maybe it really was something more? He had no idea what to think of any of this, he had never thought Mello would become something like that to him, but then again he was also just at the hormone age and so he wouldn't have noticed it before right? Oh hell he didn't know…

He stood up and went over to his computer getting on it putting his headphones in and blasting his music, he would think this through without the looming gaze of his best friend scrutinizing him. He glanced back at Mello to see him stand up and walk out, probably to go get chocolate, and he frowned. If he did turn out to like him like that, would he hate him?

Mello found his way into the kitchen with ease the kids that were still inside not saying a word to him and the cooking staff knew he was only there for one thing. That was the major perk to being in the top three, they got whatever they wanted, in his case chocolate, and besides L had even stated himself that his excessive intake in the sugary treat was good for his brain therefore Roger wasn't allowed to complain.

The blonde sighed as he sat up on the counter snapping off a piece of the chocolate bar easily loosing himself in thought and he wondered if he were bad for lying, if he should have just told the redhead the truth that he had seen what he thought he had. He couldn't though…Matt would start asking questions if he knew what he'd been doing, and then that would lead him into a whole new mess of shit. The redhead would hate him…and he was all he had, so he had to keep him thinking he had dreamed it, he had to!

He knew Matt would go through about a day of thinking this over, decide it was just a fluke of confused teenage hormones, and then move on from it because for some reason his friend just seemed to be that way. How he never managed to freak out over shit like this he would never know, the fucker was just too damn calm!

He sighed and leaned back and for once the taste of chocolate passed him by, the bar gone before he had even realized he'd taken more than a bite and he scowled throwing it away then walking out. What to do now… He couldn't go back to the room, it would be awkward if he did that knowing what the redhead was thinking over, and knowing that he'd just fed him a lie when Matt was the one person he'd come to trust enough not to lie to.

Mello finally decided on going outside, lying on his back on the ground and staring up at the grey sky. It would rain again today, he noted with little interest. It was England, this place rained almost constantly and he wasn't sure how some people in this place stayed so happy when the environment was clearly dreary, hell the orphanage itself was depressing enough with the zombie like kids running around.

He didn't know how long he had laid there before the rain had finally began coming down on him but it must have been quite a while since he didn't hear any kids screaming, lunch time most likely. He stood up slowly his hair sticking to his forehead as the water poured over him and he frowned walking ahead feeling light and lost in his own world, that was, until he heard someone shout his name.

His eyes went wide and he looked ahead to see a patch of red running towards him managing to just barely stop in front of him looking worried.

"Is this where you've been this whole time? I thought you'd run off or something…" Matt gave him a sheepish smile and he laughed shaking his head pushing back all those previous thoughts as to keep up with his lie.

"No Matt, this is where I've been. Why are you out here anyways? You hate being outside, and it's raining for that matter." The blonde began walking again not worried much about the redhead knowing he would follow obediently as always.

"I couldn't find you, I had waited in the lunch room for a bit but when you didn't show up I thought you'd gotten yourself into trouble or run away or something." Mello gave him an incredulous look, eyebrow raised and Matt did nothing but shrug and smile at him shaking his head like a dog once they got inside and Mello frowned putting his hands up to cover his face. There were times, such as this one, where the gamer's odd quirks could honestly get on his nerves.

"I'm not hungry; let's just go back to the room." He walked upstairs intending on taking a long ass shower after this, he felt disgusting.

"Alright good, I was planning on showering anyways, I don't like being all wet." Mello looked at Matt as he said that and he was caught between laughing at the look of childish discontentment on his face, and of glaring at him.

"I was planning on taking a shower, so you'll just have to wait."

"Aww, come on Mells, if you're so insistent we could just shower together." Mello stopped dead and glared at him putting his hands on his hips in a defiant manner.

"Not happening." He stated coldly and he had to look away from the pout Matt gave him.

"It's not like it'd be the first time! Why would it be such a big problem now?" Matt opened the door to their room and stepped inside taking off his shoes and going back to giving the blonde his award-winning puppy face knowing he'd break if he tried enough. He wanted to know once and for all if seeing Mello like that would get to him, if it did then he'd just have to try his best to hide it from Mello, and if it didn't then he was safe but either way he had to know for sure and this was an easy way to find out.

"No, end of story. Take the damn shower if you want, but I'm not going in there with you." Mello waited motioning for the bathroom in a 'what are you waiting for?' gesture and gave a sigh of relief as Matt finally relinquished and stepped inside leaving the older boy alone for the moment. He had made it out safe and damn was that a close one. For now, Matt had no idea what he felt for him, and Mello was determined to keep it that way for as long as he possibly could.

Matt turned on the shower once inside the bathroom and started stripping down looking at his reflection once he'd gotten the drenched clothing off of his body and he simply watched the mirror. If Mello were gay, would he even be interested in someone like him? He was lanky, had little to no muscle to show for, and as for everything else he didn't think he was really that amazing. Mello could get better if he were into guys, in fact the blonde would settle for nothing less than the best like he always did. Matt sighed and turned away from his cursed reflection glad that when he glanced at it again the steam from the shower had blurred it out. Never once had he felt ashamed of himself, he never thought what he looked like would matter, but this whole dream thing had set everything he'd ever believed out of the waters. He could think of nothing to describe how he felt right then other than confused and he hated it, hated not having a grasp on his own emotions when he was so used to being in control of himself. He had always believed he had to stay calm for Mello, to be the steady part in his life. He sighed, Mello…the more he thought about him the more everything seemed to be mixed up inside of him.

He wasn't even sure if he liked Mello, but the more he thought about it, about how undesirable he was, the more he wondered if he even wanted to know…


	4. Chapter 3

Matt shut off the water and stepped out of the shower his eyes scanning the bathroom with confusion his mind still blocked with his previous thoughts. He froze the moment as it set in to his mind that he had no towel with him. He bit his lip and looking around desperately for something other than his dirty clothes to cover himself. He looked at the clothes and groaned not wanting to have had spent the last 45 minutes or so cleaning himself just to feel gross all over again in soaking wet clothes…

He slowly inched towards the door opening it, blinking as he saw that his blonde was nowhere to be found and while he was beginning to worry about the disappearances he quickly remembered the other one had been nothing but a dream and figured Mello had just gone out for more chocolate. It should be just enough time for me to at least get pants on…he thought slowly creeping out of the bathroom keeping his eyes and ears out for Mello while he moved toward his closet. Matt let out a sigh of relief as he made it across the room without disrupt opening the closet door just as the main door opened and he turned swiftly eyes wide. Him still being wet from his shower he managed to slip on the wood floor and oh so gracefully falling on his ass.

He looked at Mello feeling his heart stop in his chest and his doubts rose up all over again making him scramble to stand up and grab his clothes moving hide in the closet to change his heart pounding once it finally started up again. This was bad…this was very bad… He felt panic rise up in him although his rational side tried to remind him that they'd seen each other naked plenty of times before but it did nothing to help his self-conscious thoughts. He held himself a moment feeling like he wanted to cry. He felt stupid in that moment and he had no idea why this bothered him when it never would have before but he couldn't get any of it to go away. He was slowly cracking from confusion over his own self, his thoughts that he had always seen as firmly in place crumbling around him. Fuck you teen angst… he mentally spat dressing himself before walking out again seeing Mello sitting at the desk on his computer as if nothing had happened and he stopped suddenly feeling even stupider than before.

"H-hey Mello, whatcha doing?" He stuttered nervously as he walked over to the boy leaning against the desk giving him a small smile that faded as Mello looked at him with eyes blocked off, a stark contrast to his usual over emotional self. He winced as his friend all but full on glared at him biting his lip and looking down just to look up again when Mello stood sharply and walked into the bathroom going to take his shower as previously planned. Matt watched him walk away with a sharp pain in his chest and he went to his bed curling in on himself hoping whatever the blonde was so mad about faded enough that he wouldn't leave him like that. He buried his head into his knees closing his eyes willing life to go back to how it was yesterday. He almost laughed at the thought…it was only yesterday that Mello was his friend, now he might be something more, and just yesterday he thought he was straight and that there was not a thing wrong with him, and the comparison scared him to a point where it was almost amusing.

The blonde sat on the bathroom counter, his back to the mirror and he let out a sigh head tilted up toward the ceiling. There was so much wrong with this that he couldn't even put it into words anymore, his brain was fried and he could think of nothing else except the pleasure he'd found in seeing the boy who was supposed to be just his friend naked. He bit his lip as the memory brought back that flow of heat below his waist, closing his eyes softly hoping it would just go away although he of course, never had that good of luck.

He slid off of the counter his clothes already having been stripped from his body and he put his hand under the running water testing the temperature and giving a soft groan as he stepped fully under it. He looked nervously towards the door his mind going over the possibility of how loud he would be, and the chances Matt would hear him. Mello knew that the bathroom would echo, and so he bit his lip hoping that would be enough to silence him, or at least muffle the sounds as he laid his back against the shower wall closing his eyes letting his mind wander to the darker areas of his thoughts.

He was grateful for his very detailed imagination as it took over providing a very real image of Matt, of the feel of his hands as it trailed down his stomach and gripped him enticing a choked moan from the blonde. The hand that was on him tightened and began to pump his member, starting off slowly before speeding up, the water flowing from the shower providing as a sort of lubricant allowing the hand to move easily over him. Mello didn't even realize as his legs gave out from under him and he slipped down to sit on the cool bottom of the shower being too lost in his own world, where he had Matt just as he wanted him, to care. He panted softly, his face flushed with his lust as his hand moved ever faster and he could feel his stomach coiling in anticipation for his climax that erupted through him moments later leaving him feeling funny and struggling for his breath.

It took a minute or so after he'd released for him to open his eyes again, it dawning on him that this was the second time in barely a two day time period that he'd done this the thought making him groan in annoyance with himself. At this rate it would become like a habit and he didn't like the thought of that, in fact it made him rather uncomfortable with his own self. He stood up slowly, his legs still slightly weak and he put a hand on the wall to steady himself before quickly washing everything off of him and off of the wall leaving no seeable traces behind before getting out of the shower slipping on the clothes he'd been smart enough to bring in with him.

Mello stepped out of the room looking at Matt curled up on the bed and laughed softly the redhead's chest rising and falling evenly with his sleep but the blonde's peace of mind was short lived as the shame of what he'd just done rose up and he bit his lip. He couldn't stay in this room; he couldn't face Matt right now, couldn't be around when he woke up and turned towards him giving him that goofy but adorable smile of his. Mello frowned biting his lip and moved towards the door silently slipping out of it before heading down the hall, he wasn't sure where he was going to go, but he'd find somewhere to hide out for the night and pray Matt didn't freak out when he awoke.

The next morning Matt was surprised to find that he'd woken up early enough for the birds to be chirping outside and he sat up stretching eyes closed and he felt good. He was so used to waking up still feeling tired or feeling weighed down that it was nice for once just to be relaxed and carefree. He yawned opening his eyes a big smile on his face and he looked around his mouth opening to call out for Mello so he could hug him but as he did he saw that the person he wanted to see wasn't there.

The smile slowly faded form his lips and he gave a soft whimper standing up, red hair falling in a haphazard manner but he didn't pay it any mind. He walked out the door searching through all the rooms an odd sense of déjà vu coming back to him but that feeling was instantly shattered when he didn't find Mello sitting in one of them and especially not jacking off. He frowned and kept on knowing he'd be lying if he said he wasn't a bit more than paranoid about this.

Matt continued on, even after having searched the kitchen, the library, the courtyard out back, as well as asking a few of the kids if they'd seen him with nothing to show for it.

He bit his lip his eyes shining with pooled up tears as he scanned the vast area behind Whammy's once more a few of them falling down his cheeks when he blinked, his goggles being up in his hair to keep it out of his face. He could feel an all too familiar panic set into him his chest rising and falling quickly with his breath nearing on hyperventilating as it was.

Matt had never been good with being left alone, his parents had ensured that long ago that he would always carry that fear of abandonment and he let out a soft sob running back inside and scanning everywhere once again. He refused to believe Mello left him…he couldn't have! He searched the halls furiously, ignoring the odd looks everyone gave him the tears refusing to dry out, instead they seemed to do quite the opposite and fell in buckets as he realized the blonde was not there. He was gone…Mello, was gone… He went to Roger's office banging on the door and bounding into the room as the old man called out for him to come in.

"Roger! Mello has gone missing, someone must have taken him! Please! We have to find him!" His voice was rising with each statement, and he was going into hysterics refusing to believe anything other than the fact that the blonde hadn't left of his own will. He wouldn't have left him like that right? They were best friends… Maybe it's because I dreamed about him like that, he thought before pushing it away, Mello would be mad, but he wouldn't be so disgusted that he left him completely. He had to keep believing that.

"I'm sorry Matt, but someone reported that they saw Mello walking out earlier this morning, he was not kidnapped. Now if you'll calm down I'm sure he'll be back." Matt had stopped listening after the first part, he couldn't take hearing the rest and he ran out of the room and up to his own room slamming the door behind him and collapsing to the floor surprised he made it this far.

"Mello!" He cried doubling over on himself calling out as if it would bring him back somehow, as if he would pop up in front of him, but of course that stuff only happens in the books. He knew that the people outside of his room could hear him, he was close enough to the door to ensure that, and they probably thought he was over reacting but Mello was his everything, he didn't have anything else. They are probably happy he's gone, he thought with bits of hatred leaking into him.

Matt continued to cry throughout the first part of the day into the evening, never moving an inch, never gaining the strength to do so. He had no idea what time it was when the tears finally dried up, and he was too weak to go look so instead he curled up on his side on the floor and let himself be overtaken by the pain and the fear. Mello had to come back, he had to, and this was just a stunt he was pulling to fuck with me like always. Matt kept thinking this, it was the only thing that kept him from completely breaking down in that moment, the belief that his friend would return to him, he couldn't be so cruel… He let out a large sob although there were no longer any tears to accompany it, he felt numb, and yet his body still knew he hurt. Mello….you have to come back for me….I trust you that much like always, and until you do, I'll just lay here…

**AN: Yup, so here you go yet another chapter according to my beta's new schedule for me I should be posting up a chapter every Wednesday, this is assuming I can keep up with that xD But I would like to thank cigarettesandlatte for the review I loved it thank you! And for anyone else out there reading this –god I hope there are more of you- please review! It would make me very happy and I shall give you cookie –nods seriously- aaanyways, enough with my annoying Authors note that most of you probably won't read. :D**


	5. Chapter 4

Mello walked along the street looking back and forth between the shops whenever he heard the clock tower ringing in the distance. It was already dark and he had hardly noticed the change around him, his being suddenly thrust into a much more foul world than what had shown itself to him when he'd first arrived. He frowned moving the bags he was holding from one hand to another all his senses suddenly on alert as he began his walk back to the orphanage.

He continued to move the bag from one hand to another appearing to those around him to be focused on the subconscious action rather than the world beyond the blonde locks being blown into his face by the waves of wind. It was a simple trick, if no one thinks you're paying attention for the most part they let you pass by without much thought, then again there's always that person. The one who decides to take advantage of what appears to be innocent ignorance of a teenager, their mind swimming with defiling thoughts.

"Hey kid, you lost." Mello looked up sharply turning on his heels to face the man before him appearing to be surprised by the sudden appearance when in truth he'd heard the man following him for a good while now and simply waited it out. The meeting was inevitable, but Mello guessed he wasn't too smart and had to take quite some time determining how to carry on this sick plan of his. He supposed it might have worked, if the man had only been lucky enough to be dealing with a normal kid instead of a genius who'd been long ago trained how to deal with situations such as these.

"No, I think I'm alright thanks." His voice was slightly cold and his eyes shined the color of steel. He had no doubt that the man could see the protective anger burning as the blue orbs were reflected off of by the soft light of the moon above. That was, he hoped he could see it because otherwise he had truly overestimated his intelligence.

"You think? Well come on, just tell me where you're going and I'll lead you there, we don't need a kid liked you wandering around so late. There are some creepers out there you know." Mello almost laughed at the irony of the situation. He had thought the other man just a bit smarter when in fact he was the biggest dumbass he'd seen and yet the man before him thought Mello was the stupid one.

"I'm not lost; I told you I'm alright." His voice dropped an octave and at this point he was practically growling at the guy, it would be his last warning before he was forced to do something more drastic. He saw the man before him pause and took a second to scrutinize him and put the image in the back of his mind for later reference.

The man he supposed wasn't terrible, he had an ok muscle tone in his arms and Mello guessed on his stomach as well, but the attractiveness didn't last long once you further inspected. He had tattoos on every bit of bare skin Mello could see, minus his face, and he didn't figure the ink stopped there although he'd prefer not to find out. The markings themselves though were not the part that made him hideous, it was how unorganized they all were. They appeared almost like a jumble of black that made him appear as if he were trying to change his skin color, but then to top it all off was his face. He was bald for one thing, that just being the first part Mello took in as he looked at him fully, and that fact in itself didn't help hide the sunken in cheeks of someone who had obviously done a lot of Meth in their life. Overall, he wasn't the guy you made friendly conversation with not that Mello ever thought he was.

"Kid! You come with me or…" This time Mello did laugh, just a small snicker but it was enough to stop the man in his tracks and glare at him, an expression the blonde happily returned.

"Or what? You'll call my momma?" He snorted his hands going to his hips and he knew to the guy in front of him it appeared to be nothing more than a stubborn stance, but what he didn't know was that it got him that much closer to the gun hidden in his pants. He watched him waiting for any sign of movement, and it wasn't long before the man lunged at him.

"Why you little…" The shot rang out and Mello winced at the strangled sound that escaped from the man's final breath. Mello looked around quickly glad that at least for the moment the street had been cleared and he replaced the gun where it had been and turned sprinting back toward the orphanage. Well, that was the last time he stayed out shopping, he thought climbing over then inside the large gate before he ever relaxed and slowed his pace.

"Matt is going to be pissed…" He groaned silently slipping through the doors and checking to make sure the coast was clear before making his way upstairs.

Time almost seemed to stop as he reached the door to their room a bit of dread filling him. He was going to be drowned in the redhead's tears once he stepped in, and for the first time he honestly cared about the fact that someone else was hurt by him. Most of the time he hurt people on purpose, he wanted people to hurt because they deserved it, but Matt didn't all Matt had done to cause this was be there for the blonde to fall for. He took a deep breath and thought over everything biting the inside of his lip

He would go in and see Matt torn up from his separation anxiety, get attacked by the redhead's hug, then be drowned in his sorrow and all the while have to suffer the thoughts of what he'd done that had lead him to leave in the first place. He was a horrible person, he'd for the most part come to terms with that, but in truth everybody had their weakness, and the geeky redhead was his.

Mello took a deep breath his hand going to the door and he turned it slowly opening the door cautiously before jumping as it hit something, or more specifically someone. He frowned stepping through the small crack before closing the door and he was about to kick Matt to tell him to get up before he saw all the blood.

There was a large pool of red that only seemed to keep growing as the scarlet liquid poured from Matt's arm and suddenly he felt anger boil up in him. How dare Matt do this? Was he so stupid, didn't he know this would do nothing but hurt the both of them! He growled a bit seeing green eyes finally turn towards him looking hazed over for a minute before there was a spark of recognition in there.

"Hey Mello." The voice that reached Mello's ears was a weak one and that was enough to make the blonde lose it. He reached down grabbing Matt by his hair and dragging him to the bathroom sitting him on the toilet rather forcefully before going and grabbing the gauze that was always kept in their rooms.

He couldn't fathom what twisted thought had been embedded into the other boy's mind to make him do this no matter how hurt he may have been. Mello kept trying to figure it out as he wrapped the wounds securing the safety of the person he had come to love but he couldn't grasp what the answer might be.

"Why?" His voice was cold and he continued to look at the injured arm even after it'd been fully wrapped and it wasn't until Matt's answer registered that he looked at him.

"I was counting how long you were gone; I had to keep some sense of reality right? Time was all I had left to keep me down, and this was my way of making sure I didn't lose that too…" Mello sighed, his hand releasing the injured arm and for a moment he realized how many cuts were there, just how many hours Matt had laid there on the ground waiting.

"That's a pretty fucked up reason Matt, just so you know." He saw the gamer nod and he watched him from where he was kneeled in front of him and it scared him when he began to move. He moved to stand along with him figuring Matt would go and lay back down on the floor although logically he didn't know why he would, but instead things only went back to Mello's previous hypothesis.

Matt hugged Mello tight burying his face into the blonde's neck and for a moment he felt the world slip from him, but this time it was ok. He could let himself fall, because in that moment life just hurt too much to sit in it and he had the reassurance of knowing if he were about to hit the ground Mello would catch him. He was safe, if just for the moment. As long as the blonde never left his side he would be safe, he put all of his trust in this fact.

"Mello? Promise me you won't leave me again...please?" Mello gently held Matt to him his hand moving along his back in what he hoped was a comforting way and gave a small sigh at the pathetic plea. There were things, such as that tone he had right then, that he wished Matt would never use. Each time Mello heard it the sound seemed to reverberate through him much like a very sad song, and in every case without fail it broke his heart.

Mello curled the smaller boy closer to him holding him there in his arms and it took him a moment before he could reply, before he could even get up the strength to even be able to trust his voice.

"Alright Matt, I promise you I'll never leave you. You won't have to be alone again." He saw Matt give him a weak smile as he started to pull back and for a moment Mello wanted nothing more than to reach out for him. He felt a need to fill his now empty arms once again with the person dear to him but of course as always his pride stood in the way of that.

Matt looked at Mello and reached out his hand for him keeping the small smile in place as he worked to put his feet back on the ground at least long enough to get them to the bed where he could sleep. He really needed the rest, his body was weakened and pale from the blood loss and as much as Mello had been anything but pleased at his actions he couldn't bring himself to regret it. He had needed to do it, and if only he could explain that to the blonde, but he couldn't. Mello would never understand.

Mello looked at the hand and snorted looking at him giving him a look that spoke volumes of the stubbornness that was in him and he slapped the hand away as he stood. He had never once been weak enough to ever except help from anyone, and he sure as hell wasn't starting then simply because he felt a terrible pain in his heart. This was his fault, he did this to himself and pity was not something he would allow himself, not if it meant showing weakness even just to Matt.

The blonde walked back into the room followed closely by his roommate but as he sat on the bed and Matt went to follow he shook his head pointing at the bag he'd been carrying earlier.

"I figured while I was out I could at least get you something I mean it is your birthday tomorrow right?" He shrugged at the wide eyed boy in front of him now doubt surprised he'd even remembered but what he didn't realize was there was no way he'd let himself forget. If there were one thing Mello could be given credit for it was doing nothing half-assed and that included caring about someone.

"In that case I'll open it tomorrow, for tonight I have enough of a gift right here." Matt smiled and curled up into the bed with Mello moving close to him as they had for years. He buried his head into Mello's shoulder and while on some level he hoped Mello knew the extent to what he meant just so that he could get a clear answer, the majority ruled in hoping he never figured it out.

"Whatever, goodnight Matt." Mello closed his eyes relaxing himself his mind telling him to examine Matt's words to find the deeper meaning but he knew it was just his being hopeful. Matt didn't like him like that and he probably never would, but he guessed as long as Matt never tempted him further, and he never had to use his hand again while thinking of the boy he'd be ok. He could get through this, compared to everything else he'd gone through, this should be simple, or at least, that's what he kept telling himself.


	6. Chapter 5

"Hey! Mels! Come on, wake up Mello!" Matt was sitting on the boy under him his legs on either side of his waist and he was jumping up and down waiting for his best friend to wake up. He smiled big as Mello opened his eyes and gave him a funny look as if to ask why the hell he was up before he was.

"It's the beginning to black history month! Let's celebrate!" Matt laughed as Mello raised an eyebrow at him as if he were insane.

"Matt, I don't know if you've looked in the mirror recently, but we are both white why does it…oh Happy Birthday Matt." He laughed as he said the last part shaking his head at the fact that the redhead wouldn't just simply say he what he actually meant.

"Yay! You remembered! You're the bestest ever Melly!" Mello looked at him with an incredulous look that entire sentence having so much wrong with it he wasn't even sure where to start, oh wait yes he did.

"Melly? What the fuck Matt, do you not feel special enough to be able to call me by one nickname you have to have another?" He pushed the boy off of him although Matt seemed much too happy to let that faze him and he gave a smile unable to help it. He was in such a good mood; after everything that had happened the past few days he still jumped back so easily.

"Oh I have others you want to hear them? Let's see there's…" He was cut off as Mello's hand went above his mouth. He shook his head laughing seeing green eyes flash with confusion before jumping right back to their easygoingness.

"No Matt, believe it or not I don't want to hear all the embarrassing ways you can twist Mello." He laughed thinking of a few off the top of his head and it made him shudder. There were so many possibilities…

He dropped his hand from Matt's mouth with a disgusted look as Matt began to lick at it as if he were a puppy. He waved his hand with a sneer although it was halfhearted finding it oddly amusing. He was so much like a dog, even down to giving kisses whenever he was being restrained.

"Yay! I love you Mello-Jello!"

"Oh hell no!" He sent a glare at the redhead tackling him forward onto the bed taking the comforter and stuffing it into his mouth laughing as he tried to get it out with no avail. There was no way he'd let Matt say something like that, even on his birthday. The day simply wasn't that damn special.

"Meanie!" Matt cried although it came out as nothing more than a mumbled sound and he did the next best thing to playing the cute act. He turned on the puppy face.

"Oh no! No! No! No! You are not giving me that face…" He turned away not able to look at the cuteness that was staring him right in the eye. He grumbled as he hopped off of him crossing his arms and glaring at the wall in front of him trying to pretend as if he were angry. He could be pissed off at anyone, even Matt, except whenever he turned to him with that stupid pout of his. It broke hearts! Mello would swear to it!

"Soo," Matt drawled out moving over to lean on Mello's back excitement shining in his eyes and he was practically vibrating with the happiness that had flooded in him. "What did you get me?" He gave him a small smile moving to stand in front of him bouncing in place although he tried not to show it. He was so glad that he'd woken up to Mello with his arms around him; it had put him in a better mood than even his birthday had. Matt didn't care so much about the day itself, but it gave him a reason to be cuddly with the blonde. After having felt so empty without him it was something he yearned for with or without the added factor of his new found emotions.

"Why don't you go find out dummy! Don't just stand there asking me!" Mello huffed although in truth the open feeling in the air had begun to rub off on him. He watched him his face looking half pissed off trying to keep up his façade but his eyes showed a different story; a large smile and the adoration he had. He could think of nothing better than to watch the other boy seem so joyful. It was always so dark and depressing in this place, a change was highly welcomed especially with it being was Matt.

Matt walked over to the bag Mello had brought home the night before and sitting crisscross on the floor in front of it. The look in his eyes as he stared at the bag was one of almost an anxious consciousness. He didn't want to open it because of the anxiousness that had grown in him, now that he was actually going to open it he wasn't sure he wanted to. On the other hand, he was dying to know what Mello got him surprised he'd gotten him anything at all.

He reached into the bag gently pulling out the item from within and staring down at the large box. This surely couldn't be… He looked up at Mello his eyes wide from behind his goggles and he looked between the box and the blonde several times before he could find his voice.

"Mello…surely this isn't…." He looked back down at the box feeling slight shock whenever Mello sat down next to him and gave a sheepish smile.

"You'd complained for so long that you wanted a computer, so I thought why the hell not. You already had every game system alive, and in truth whenever it comes to games I'd have no idea in hell what to get you. So, I got that…it's ok right?" Mello looked Matt in the eye making sure that this was ok, he'd blown an ass load of money for it but he didn't care, it was worth it so long as…so long as…hell he couldn't even think anymore. Matt flashed him a bright smile his eyes lighting up as if he'd just been given the world's best news and before Mello knew it he had a redhead laying on him.

Matt had managed to tackle him to the floor with the force of his hug and Mello's eyes went wide unable to breath from how tight the arms were wound around him. The blonde smiled closing his eyes his arms going around his friend in return and he was glad he'd made his day just that much better. This was what he'd wanted, this was what made it all worthwhile including the months he had spent working on the random shit Roger threw at him so that he could earn the money.

"Thank you Mello! You really are the best…" Matt's voice was soft and honest as he spoke, his breath tingling against Mello's neck as he spoke and the redhead didn't even notice as Mello stiffened just a bit. He was too caught up in his own little world where nothing could hurt him, where this moment; this immense bliss, would never end.

"Well, come on then Matt…open it." Mello smiled at him blue eyes gleaming with emotions, most of them he couldn't even name himself and he could only hope that Matt was as oblivious as he usually was.

"Alright!" Matt hopped up quickly and began opening the slender cardboard container that encased his new lifeline in it. He smiled as he saw the beauty that was resting in his hands, a red top casing with a black bottom. The entire thing was top of the line that could be bought in laptop form and he had to wonder where on earth Mello got the money although he had the feeling if he asked he'd feel bad. He hugged the computer close to him rubbing his face on it as if it were a kitten and not an electronic device.

"Heh, Mello, it's calling for you. Can't you hear it, its saying 'momma, momma'." He laughed as the blonde hit him upside the head for the comment and glared at him for insinuating that he was both a girl and a mother.

"Matt, in case you've never noticed, I'm a guy." Mello stated his voice low and level as if he were talking to an idiot rather than the 3rd in line for L's title. It was amazing to the blonde just how stupid a genius could really be…

"But you bought it! That's close enough to conceiving it if you ask me!" Matt ignored his roommate's comment having something very dirty come to mind that he'd rather not respond with, he'd probably end up letting too much on if he dared say it.

Mello growled narrowing his eyes like daggers at the other boy and he pulled the computer from him watching as his hands outstretched for it eyes wide and pained. He really acted as if he'd just taken his child from him, how cute. He laughed and went to plug it in letting it charge a bit before the redhead blew up the thing with whatever it was he did.

"Well, Matt, if you insist that we are the parents of that…thing; then what will its name be?" He smirked watching as Matt put a hand on his chin and began a very serious thinking face that in Mello's opinion was more comical than anything. He held back his laughter deciding to give Matt this moment, he'd let him have his stupid face and believe it was giving off his given effect.

"We should name it…Bertha! No, that's too girly, wait Mels is it a girl or a boy?" Matt laughed hating that name but it was the first one that came to mind and he looked at Mello getting another one of the blonde's famous incredulous looks.

"I don't know Matt, let me check." He rolled his eyes and walked back over to the computer giving a stupid thinking face of his own playing into his friend's game, whatever on earth it was. He smirked and looked back at him.

"It's a boy." He nods acting completely serious as if the damned thing actually had any sort of gender and he almost snorted at his own idiocy but it was all for Matt. Oh, Matt, what I do for you, he thought watching him his mind wandering to other things before he was brought back to reality by Matt's voice.

"Ok then, we should name it Mett." He nods laughing knowing it sounded stupid but it was the first thing that came to mind and he saw Mello face palm before shrugging.

"Matt, your creativity amazes me… You could honestly not think of anything better than adding our names together?"

"Hey! Think of it this way, it could have been Mallo! That just sounded awkward though." He nods seriously once again his eyes shining as if this were a life or death situation and Mello found it hard not to start dying on the floor from all of this. There were times, whenever his friend simply was too much and as much of a hard ass as he tried to be, it was hard not to laugh at the fool.

He mumbled about the fact that Mett seemed just as awkward as Mallo in his opinion but he wouldn't say anything against it not wanting to ruin his fun. He sighed leaning down and hugging his friend patting him on the head like a special child.

"From now on Matt, I'm not mothering any more of your electronics ok?" Matt nodded vigorously and smiled at him hugging him back glad that for once Mello initiated it and not him. Matt was sure that his friend didn't think he noticed, and he'd let him keep thinking that. The gamer just hoped that with time, Mello would come to a point where he'd always hug him so easily.

"So then you're saying you want me to cheat on you and get a new baby momma?" He laughed knowing this was just getting beyond ridiculous but he couldn't help it! The jokes were just too hard to resist.

"Matt…never mind I don't even know what to say to you anymore. " Mello stood up going to the bed and sitting down shaking his head and closing his eyes. Why was he friends with him again? Oh yeah, he was in love with that foolish, childish, perfect, son of a bitch. He sighed and smiled at Matt from behind the redheads back as he watched him fool around with Mett. Yeah, that and so much more.


	7. Chapter 6

_The sound of gunshots resounded through the cement building forcing the small blonde to cower beneath a table. The room he stood in was deserted of people, most of them downstairs caught in the cross fire between them and the police who had busted down their way through, leaving no one for the boy to turn to. He was utterly alone…_

_He had always been alright with the idea of who exactly his father was, the head of the German mafia. It wasn't as if he had the choice not to be, but there were times when things were just a bit too much around here for a six year old. There was always drinking, random guns being shot off, and the constant danger. This along with the sounds of moaning filling the air everywhere he went at any hour of the day made it almost a sickening place to live but he had gotten over all of that, it was just these moments when he was forced to either hide or risk being killed that got to him. _

"_Mihael! Take this and run!" His father yelled to him as he busted through the room a handgun being slid toward him. The small boy looked at it then back at the man who'd raised him with desperate blue eyes. He had learned how to shoot them from the time he was strong enough to hold one, had shot them off for practice, but never once had he actually killed someone with one. _

"_I won't say it again boy!" The voice rang to him low and gruff in their native language. Mihael nodding at him before taking the gun in his hand and stumbling his way out from under the table then running out of the room and toward the backdoor of the base. This was a drill he had been taken through more times than he could count; he knew each turn and how long the hallways were like the back of his hand. He knew where to run, how to avoid being hit with bullets should someone round the corner on him, and he knew just how fast he had to make his legs go to make it out in the designated safe time it was just that knowing he was actually in danger for once set him on edge. _

_He turned back as he heard footsteps falling in line behind him his eyes widening whenever he saw it was one of the mafia men with a gun pointed at the back of the blonde's head as if he were a threat. He bit back a gasp of surprise his legs moving quicker under him with the added pressure and he silently prayed that it would be enough to get him out of here. _

"_Wait! You know me!" He tried to tell him hoping with everything in him that there was some mistake, that the bottle of the gun was only aimed in his direction because the man was blinded by the rage of battle and was confused. He bit his lip as it didn't lower his brain racking for a reason for this unreasonable circumstance but he could find nothing to ease his mind other than the thought that perhaps it was just a test. Maybe the man was trying to calm him by making it just as his drills had been? Mihael's mind was taken back into the terror of how serious this really was when a horrid voice echoed toward him._

"_This is your fault you little shit! You're the reason my brother is dead, why everyone is dead!" The blonde tripped hitting the ground hard a scared sound escaping him as he tried desperately to crawl backwards away from the metal object now staring him in the face. He had been so close to the exit, he couldn't die here! Not when he'd been so very close to salvation! Mihael bit back a whimper refusing to look weak in front of this man even if he didn't feel the same strength coursing through him as what showed on his face._

"_I didn't do anything! I never even leave the base!" The boy's voice had picked up to a startling rate and he pulled out the gun his father had given him pointing it back at him hoping the man would yield but it only seemed to anger him further. This was not good…not good at all, he thought before cringing at his own stupidity. That's it Mihael...point out the obvious when you should be figuring out how in hell's name you're going to get out of this mess! _

"_Don't lie! We all know you let our position be known to one of the bastards you talk to! We all know it Mihael, and one day we will take everything from you just like you took it from us!" The blonde was at a complete loss for words. One of the bastards he talked to? But he never got to leave his room most of the time much less the place entirely; he talked to no one! He wasn't allowed to talk to anyone…what on earth was going on here?_

_The small boy was attempting to fumble with the gun trying to position it right adrenaline pumping fast through his veins. He couldn't hardly think straight his eyes widening whenever he saw the trigger being pulled and he swore he was done for. He winced as the blast of a shot rang through but instead of pain hitting him all that registered in his mind was the thump of a body next to him. He bit his lip looking at the gun in his hand then at the body…he hadn't shot so then how…_

_He looked up to see one of the police running over to him worry etched in his face and the man who had just been trying to kill him laying eyes open beside him. He winced as he sat up looking up into the now dead brown eyes still watching him as if he had betrayed them all but he hadn't done anything…he hadn't!_

Mello woke with a start his heart pounding against his chest and for a moment he could only lay there staring up at the ceiling without really seeing it. He was plagued with the memory of long ago, the day his home had been taken from him, his father, his everything. He closed his eyes focusing all his energy on slowing his breathing before letting them flutter open again.

He hadn't had a dream like that in years, had thought he had gotten rid of those horrid memories or at least pushed them so far into the back of his mind that he would never reach them. He guessed he'd been wrong about that but he prayed he wouldn't be plagued with night terrors. Lack of sleep was the last thing he needed right now, especially with classes starting up again in just a few days. He couldn't beat Near on just 3 hours of sleep every night! He'd just have to find some way to distract his thoughts each night…if only there were something else that would keep his attention like that that didn't involve sex and the innocent looking red haired boy next to him.

Mello shook his head knowing it was no use attempting to go back to sleep and so instead he sat up and tried to silently pad his way across the room. He winced slightly as the door creaked once he'd opened it and glanced quickly at the still sleeping boy deflating a bit once he saw that Matt hadn't stirred a bit. He closed the door behind him and headed outside toward the clearing behind Wammy's.

Normally the blonde came out here during their week breaks, but this week he'd found himself too busy for such things and he almost missed the fresh air. He closed his eyes with a soft sigh and sat back on the hill soft grass tickling the side of his face. In this place, he could almost imagine he hadn't woken in a cold sweat, that he wasn't hiding his sexuality from himself as best he could. He could pretend that nothing was true in his world, that there were no world at all. He was just…floating.

"Hey Mello, can I ask you something?" The blonde opened one eye before sitting up a growl starting in his throat as he looked upon the face of one of the older students. He could smell the alcohol in his breath from where he sat and it made him crinkle his nose in disgust the anxiety of an upcoming fight prickling at his skin. Nothing about the way those eyes turned on him struck as a good thing and he narrowed his eyes threateningly not responding to his question, the bastard was too wasted to hear him anyways.

"Why is it you wear that rosary, are you trying to repent?" At these words Mello was taken aback, of all the questions he thought would reach his ears that wasn't the one he'd expected. He stood up brushing dirt off of his black pants standing tall to reach his full height still trying to appear dangerous although it was obvious he'd been caught off guard. His blue eyes swam with his questions and he waited for the staggering dumbass to continue.

"I have to wonder though, what kind of demon had to of possessed your mother to get you. It's not bad enough that you were born to a whore but you had to be a pissy bastard too." At this Mello growled and lurched forward grabbing the boy by his shirt glad he had at least two inches on him. His eyes were no longer confused; they were blue flames shinning with a surge of anger. He felt the anger begin in him and simply thrive growing stronger the more the words settled in to him. Icy eyes turned to slits his fist rising in warning that if the fucker didn't shut his mouth he would quickly and efficiently shut it for him.

"You have no idea what you're fucking talking about." His voice was barely above a growl and while he knew that the guy wasn't thinking straight and new nothing about his life before Wammy's it hurt to think they would accuse him of being born of a whore. Although he had been, his father was a Mafia Head, there were no permanent relationships in his job certification it was something he had long since accepted.

"What about the fact that you're gay, I mean how do you even do that? Does it turn you on to see yourself naked because all guys have the same parts?" At this Mello stopped his fury being laced with fear as well and he couldn't get himself to hit the guy, he was too busy focusing on his internal conflict. Not that the wasted guy would even notice his falter, hell he probably didn't even see the hand raised ready to punch him.

How did they know? Was it that obvious? No, it couldn't have been…Matt didn't know, so this guy was just taking a shot in the dark. He thought because Mello looked like a girl that the blonde would be gay too. That had to be it…oh God please let that be it…

"You seem surprised, but it's not hard to tell. You sit there and stare at that buddy of yours as if you want to take him against the nearest wall, it's kind of disturbing. The only one who doesn't see it is him, I'm not sure how he got third if the dumbass can't even see what's in front of his face." At this all fear left him and he was struck with a blind furiousness his hand connecting with the guys lower jaw and it didn't stop. He barely noticed as the guy's blood covered his shirt and hands, couldn't comprehend it when someone had come behind him and dragged him off his mind not registering anything other than he wanted the guys blood. No one insulted his friend, the guy could call him a demon all he wanted, but he didn't say anything against the person he loved. There was a line, that had been crossed, and he would make damn sure no one ever walked over it again.

"Mello, calm down. It's ok, its over…" Mello growled for a moment before the voice registered in his mind and he turned back to see goggled eyes looking at him in an obviously worried fashion. He deflated and rested against Matt feeling tired all of a sudden, very very tired. It wasn't until he woke up again later that he noticed the redhead had been instructed to hold him while Roger had shot something in him to put him instantly to sleep.


	8. Chapter 7

Mello woke up the next day in one of the infirmary's beds. He frowned putting a hand to his head trying to drive the fuzziness from it although it did very little. The blonde barely remembered what had happened at this point, everything seemed to be drowned in water nothing coming out clearly and it was quickly driving him insane.

He looked around seeing the boy he'd beaten up in a bed across the room from him and he almost laughed, the fucker deserved every bit of what he got. He was glad he'd knocked the guy out, even if it meant some major punishments later on. The smile grew a bit taking on a fonder appearance the sadistic laughter dying in his throat as he looked down at the tuff of red hair lying against the edge of his bed.

Mello fought the urge to reach out and pet his friend's hair although his impulse won out in the end and he found his hand slowly stroking through the silky locks. It amazed the blonde how soft his hair was although he wasn't sure why. Mello's eyes lit up for just a moment before Matt began to stir a groggy sound coming up in his throat and he took his hand back as if he'd been burned fear striking him deep. What if he thought that was weird? What if he started asking questions? What if he figured out what Mello felt for him?

All these thoughts passed out of his mind though as he watched Matt yawn wide managing to look like a puppy as he did so a wide smile reaching his lips once he'd finally managed to end the yawn. Mello laughed unable to help it doubling over in his fit of giggles. It had been so adorable! It was one of those things that one couldn't help but smile at and even after his laughter had ended he was still smiling at him his mind clearing a bit.

"Hey Mels, how are you? I was worried when Near woke me up telling me I had to come stop you from killing someone." Matt's eyes dulled a bit losing the happy sleepiness in place for the troubled emotions that had filled him since the fight he'd witnessed the night before.

It was already past noon and kids were already beginning to prepare for the beginning of the new season that would begin in just a few days. Matt could hear the sound of their footsteps outside the infirmary door but he paid it little mind. It was like white noise, having been continuous since a terribly ungodly hour and he would know not having been able to get much sleep since the incident. He was lucky to have gotten in the small nap he had just then, his thoughts being plagued by thoughts of why on earth his friend would have been so violent with the boy. There had been no mercy in his eyes, no sense of what he was doing and the complete cold-heartedness scared him a bit.

"I'm alright. It's not like I actually got injured, just had that damned sedative. What was up with that anyways? Are they even allowed to do that?" Mello frowned at the thought of it. He hadn't even felt the needle he'd still been running off the adrenaline of his pounding anger at the time.

Matt shrugged looking down a moment before back at him and smiled trying to appear nonchalant although questions swarmed his mind begging to be answered. He needed to know that everything was really ok. He knew that Mello had a temper, it was something he chose to live with every day and even something he'd come to love finding it just another part of what made Mello himself but this was a fury he had never seen before. Surely that meant that Mello had been hurt in some way, yet still the boy would insist he was fine. Stubborn ass, Matt thought with an internal sigh.

"That isn't what I meant Mello I know you aren't hurt physically…and I don't know, I guess Roger thought if he didn't do that you'd end up pounding us all into the ground. I get why he thought that too, from where I stood it were as if you'd have hurt any of us I was surprised when you didn't take a swing at me to be honest." Matt wasn't bothered by this concept; Mello had taken light hits at him before although he'd never gotten near what other people did and they never really hurt. They were just warnings most of the time, telling him when to stay out of his way and just wait until he'd calmed down. He always had in the past, calmed down that is, but this was different. Everything about what he'd seen out there felt wrong to him in so many ways and it spelled out only one thing; there was something Mello wasn't telling him about all this.

"I wasn't going to hit you Matt." Mello's face contorted into one of annoyance and slight hurt. He wouldn't punch the redhead; no matter how mad he was he wouldn't be able to hit him. He thought about this for a moment and a knot of guilt tightened in him at the fact that he had no guilt about what he'd done and Matt knew it. He must think I'm a monster, Mello thought as he watched the other boy wondering why he still appeared as if he were worried for the blonde rather than himself. Mello knew he was heartless about hurting people. It was something he had always tried to hide from his friend and it had up until then been a successful project but that was all over now.

"Come on Mello, let's go somewhere else." Matt stood giving him a small smile trying to urge the boy from the bed knowing that Mello would know what was coming and wouldn't want to answer the questions so soon but Matt had to know. He couldn't just be left in the dark anymore.

The older boy sighed and shook his head both trying to see if he could rid himself of the last bit of fog that covered his thoughts and to put off what he knew had been long time coming. Maybe just maybe though, it might not go so bad. Perhaps Matt would understand, but with everything that was about to be exposed about himself he wasn't quite looking forward to it.

He stood and followed Matt out of the room nodding at one of the pinch-faced nurses who frowned at him obviously not impressed that they would just get up and leave like that but she also didn't appear to want to try and stop him. After the damage he'd caused the other patient in there, he could understand why, he probably wouldn't want to approach him either if he had the fearful attitude she seemed to. Good thing he didn't.

Matt walked alongside Mello all the way through Wammy's halls and outside where it would be mildly quiet watching the blonde get lost in his own thoughts and come back to himself a moment later. It was as if he were already envisioning ho this would turn out. Further proof that there was something the redhead wasn't aware of and that he probably was never supposed to know either.

"Mello…" Matt began as he leaned against a tree looking up his sentence cut off by a chorus of "fagot!" by the friends of the boy Mello had fought. Matt frowned and felt slightly angry, taking the jab as if it had been aimed at himself instead of at his best friend. People talked as if they knew anything about anyone, when the only reason they said anything was because they were too damn scared to come over and truly do anything.

"Fuck off!" Matt yelled at them a small growl in his voice and he hadn't ever been known for giving in to his anger, that had always been Mello's job, but sometimes he simply got tired of taking shit. Or, to put it better he only let himself take shit from the blonde himself, anyone else only managed to get under his skin.

"No, it's fine. Let them say what they want." Mello's voice shocked Matt almost as much as his words had. He seemed to…accept them, but it made no sense to him why. He looked at him emerald orbs watching blue ones as they watched the sky above them. He could tell that Mello was bothered by the words, but why wasn't he doing anything about them? It was so…unlike him.

"But…"

"No, don't do that Matt. It's true anyways…" Mello still refused to look down at Matt watching the sky that reflected how he felt right then. Dreary. He noticed the redhead freeze as the words sunk in and he mentally winced although he refused to let the weakness show through. Right then he had to appear like he was as confident in this fact as he had been everything else in his life although it couldn't be further from the truth. He didn't like having to sit back and let those chicken-shit bastards who called themselves men yell that at him, but it was irony at its best and what better way to start the conversation? It was better than having to hear Matt ask.

"Wait, what? What do you mean?" Scratch that, the boy had to go and ask anyways… Mello sighed. Matt was terribly confused, he knew what was implied, he wasn't a genius in any form if he couldn't guess but he was too scared to really think it. What happened if it were true? Would he like him? Would that mean he could be with him? Matt gnawed at his lips his eyes wide behind his goggles glad for the orange frames that veiled the emotions. What would Mello think if he saw the hope hidden there when it was clear that the blonde was uncomfortable?

"I mean I'm gay Matt! I like dick, how many ways will I have to spell it out for you?" Mello looked at him then all emotion drained from his face except the anger that hid his humiliation. He was supposed to be perfect dammit! He wasn't supposed to let himself be flawed but he'd gone and fallen for his best friend! And…and, why was Matt smiling? He deflated as he saw the smile and just blinked at him in confusion.

"I understood it the first time but I'm glad you can reassure me you know what it means." Matt laughed leaning further against the tree relaxing against it. So that was all this was about? The guy from yesterday must have just said something to bring this up and it had hit a deep chord. He was glad that the events that transpired finally made sense to him, but even more than that he was glad he didn't have to hide from him anymore in fear of being rejected.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Mello was dumbstruck. What the hell was this? Why was he smiling? Hell if he were honest the fucker was smirking at him! He narrowed his eyes at him crossing his arms over his chest and standing a bit straighter. He would not be mocked if that was what this was all about.

"You really don't know? So am I, I just didn't want to tell you because well…" It was Matt's turn to the embarrassed then rubbing the back of his neck and looking down to hide the blush on his face with his hair. He was excited at the realization that he might have a chance with him but still getting the words out was hard.

"Because you like me?" Mello finished and he frowned. He was happy, of course he was. In fact he was pretty sure he had never been happier in his life but still something about this bothered him. He blinked and he were back to the night before, the fury he'd felt, then to the time he was getting Matt's present, the uncaring way he'd shot the gun off. In truth, that was who he was, who he'd been made to be…

"Well…yeah." The blonde watched Matt for a moment before he spoke a response. He didn't want to do what he had. He didn't want to stand there and break both Matt's heart and his own, feeling as the words slipped past his lips that his own heart were being stabbed.

"Don't. I can't, I won't, be with you Matt." I'm no good for you, he thought but he wouldn't say it aloud. He knew if he did the redhead would only insist that he was. He knew the other boy would say anything to have him, and he couldn't blame him. He would do the same thing to have him, so why he was turning down his chance was only something he could know in his mind it making no sense in any conscious form. He wouldn't let Matt get hurt because he was selfish, and yet he had to wonder why when he'd never been one to do the politically correct thing before he chose to do it now. He let out a soft sigh, what this boy did to him.

Matt watched him and as the words sunk in he felt as if his knees would give out from under him. There was no strength left in him, and very little reason. It was as if in that one moment everything that had ever been his support had simply fallen away and he was only falling deep into an abyss of nothingness. He could feel nothing but the dark pain that had begun to surround his heart. He let out a soft whimper that he couldn't even hear because nothing seemed to exist anymore and he hadn't even realized he'd truly fallen to the soft grass under him.

Mello closed his eyes a moment his hands clenching and he had to almost physically keep himself from reaching out to him. He couldn't go back on this, the damage was done and if he went back on his words then all he'd be doing is making a fool of himself. He turned unable to look at the boy who now sat shaking on the ground. He couldn't watch the result of his words. As he walked away with no idea to his true destination he wondered about that. He could watch anyone suffer, could torture someone in the worst of ways and never feel any sort of remorse but watching Matt then taking the wounds of his emotional attack all he wanted to do was turn the blade in on himself.


End file.
